Dear Duck Community
by Aqua Lion
Summary: Not all Ducks are happy about their fanfictional portrayal...
1. Enough Already!!!

**Dear Duck Community:**   
**Enough Already!!!**

_A/N- The plot bunnies have really done it this time! This might actually turn into a series, depends how many other disgruntled Ducks pop up who need someone to stick up for their... normality._

***** 

To whom it may concern: 

I recently discovered an interest in fanfiction. I was actually pretty surprised when I found out that there were Duck fanfics, but I was intrigued... if a bit worried... so I decided it couldn't hurt to read a few of them. 

How wrong I was. 

Am I just the punching bag for all Duck fanfic authors, is that it? Do I exist for nothing but to be angsted at? Can anyone just write about me like the normal person I am? It's almost enough to make me start being as angsty as you guys are making me out to be! 

I know, I know, you're all sitting there wondering how I can be so upbeat with all the messes I've been through. The Hawks thing was tough. Getting pushed into the goalpost was also tough. But by the time I got my wrist broken I knew better than to worry too much. Same with the Varsity mess. I've learned that when things get bad they have to get better eventually. 

But no! Everywhere I look it's angst, angst, angst, and more angst! Enough already! And I've got some other issues with all of you, too... 

I'm not gay. Let's get that one out of the way first. I'm not gay, and if I were, I wouldn't be in love with _Charlie_ of all people. He _is_ straight and he _does_ have a girlfriend. Besides, he's too much like my brother, that'd feel like... incest or something. 

...Okay, moving on. 

I'm not suicidal. I have never tried to kill myself, never considered killing myself, and never inflicted any injury lethal or otherwise upon myself. I've been depressed, sure, but hasn't everyone? The most painful thing I've ever done was the time I accidentally yanked open my bedroom door a little too hard and it hit me in the face. 

I'm not jealous or resentful of the Ducks. Um, yeah, I was for a bit there. You would've been too if your best friends had gone and frozen your clothes and whatever else. But I forgave them for that and they forgave me for being on Varsity and we are all just _fine_ now. I do _not_ hold grudges, not even against McGill... well, him maybe, except I don't consider him worthy for me to be pissed off at for very long. 

I don't hate Linda, either. We get along just fine, though I can't say the same for all of the Ducks. Averman is the one who says if she were a little cuter she'd look like a rat. That was _not_ me. 

I think I'm done now. I'll just reiterate: I'm not gay, I'm not suicidal, I'm not resentful, and I'm not jealous of my best friend's girlfriend. I'm a normal high school student who happens to want to play professional hockey. And I'm a Duck. And I'm quite happy with that, thank you very much. 

Sincerely, Adam Banks 


	2. I DO exist...

**Dear Duck Community:**   
**I DO exist...**

_A/N- ...Oh dear. After reading some of the reviews... I just thought I should probably mention that just because I write something in this fic doesn't mean that is (or isn't) what I really think. Writing Banksie angst? I'm incredibly guilty. Writing a Banksie suicide attempt? Guilty. Writing Banksie slash? Well... not guilty, but I thought about it, and I like reading it. This is just a very short and rather pointless joke of a fic... sorry if that disappoints anyone :(_

***** 

Dear Duck Community: 

I know, I'm not the most talkative of all the Ducks. I don't get huge parts in any movies, heck, I wasn't even _in_ the first one. 

But does that really mean I shouldn't exist? I mean, who's the brains behind this operation? Charlie? Ha! In D3 he was so busy whining about his C, you really think he had the time to be plotting evil pranks against the Varsity? 

No! That was all me. Well... me and Russ. But mostly me. 

I do exist, folks. But hardly anyone mentions me, unless they're putting a new character in and they need to introduce all of the Ducks. Then I'm just gone again. 

And then, after being all disgruntled about the fanfics, I go web surfing. And there's some nice Duck websites out there, really nice. But everywhere I go, what do I see under my profile? "He never did anything in the games!" 

Excuse me?! And just who _was_ it that cored the first goal against Iceland in the second game, huh? Everybody loves Charlie but did he score against them? NO! 

...Okay, so he wasn't even in the game. That's completely beside the point! At least I didn't _miss the puck_ in the first Iceland game. Or get injured and have to sit out half the tournament like everyone's favorite Cake-eater. Or get kicked out of the first Iceland game _three seconds in_ like Portman. 

Speaking of which, who's the third Bash Brother? Eh? Yeah, that's me too. But nobody ever thinks about the little Bash Brother, it's always Fulton this and Portman that and no room for little old me. 

Do you realize what a number all this ignorance could have on a person's self-esteem? It's a good thing the Ducks don't ignore me like all of you people do, or I would probably end up with a serious inferiority complex. 

Oh well, I suppose my ranting's done for now. I exist. Stop ignoring me. 

Sincerely, Ken Wu   


PS: If you're wondering "Who's Ken Wu?" I officially declare you a lost case. 


	3. Fast Duck, Shallow Water

**Dear Duck Community:**   
**Fast Duck, Shallow Water**

_A/N- This one's dedicated to waterlily, for giving me the suggestion of the next Duck for a rant. And samandiriel, for her correction of my Banksie-angst assessment. ^_^_

***** 

To the Duck fans: 

I know that Ken already ranted on being ignored. So I've gotta say, what he said! And more! Not only am I ignored, people keep portraying me as such a jerk! I'm so intolerant of gays I beat them up when they're on my own team. I do nothing but crash into things when I'm on the ice. I do nothing but chase girls when I'm off the ice. 

I happen to have a steady girlfriend now, thanks very much! And I'm getting a lot better at stopping. And I'm sure it wouldn't bother me to find out any of the Ducks are gay. 

I know, I know. It's all justified, right? Going after Connie in the D2 book, that girl on the plane on the D3 book, all the cheerleaders... but things are different now! I was just in search of Ms. Right! 

And now that I found her, people keep trying to break us up! 

Yeah, I know again. _You jerk, you stole the girl from Riley_. I have to ask, what are you thinking? He didn't deserve her anyway! 

Then there's the stopping issue. Like I said, I've gotten better. 

But the only thing I seem to do in any games that anyone writes about is crash! There _is_ a reason they put me on the team, you know, I _can_ play. 

Remember that spectacular goal I made against Iceland? Didn't think so. I stopped and everything, and I saved the game, because every goal in that game was important. 

And against Blake! It takes real talent to put the puck in the net while _jumping over it!_ Give it a try sometime, before you go insulting my skills. 

Of course, this is only in the fics that bother to mention me. I'm usually just in the story to hit on some new girl, if that even. 

Cut me some slack, here. Give me a little credit. There's more to me than the girls and the stopping. Most Ducks would think I'm crazy for saying this, but why don't I get any angst? Charlie gets angst, Banksie gets angst (and angst, and angst, and angst, and angst...), even Averman and Goldberg get angst! 

What about me? 

Ow I'm not saying I do or don't have anything to angst about. But everyone else gets angst! Give me equal treatment, one angsty story, that's all I ask! Or heck, just one story that I'm anything more than a shallow flirt! Honestly. 

Think about it. 

Signed, Luis Mendoza 


	4. Goalie Luv

**Dear Duck Community:**   
**Goalie Luv**

_A/N- Eep, this one was short. Guess that's what happens when I write while I'm half asleep in health class. Who's the next ranter? Any suggestions?_

***** 

To the Duck Community: 

I don't really know what to say. There's not much that bothers me about how people write me into their fanfics. I don't mind being studious, and of course I don't mind being friendly and understanding. But... 

WHY does everyone insist on giving me a boyfriend? Is having a single girl on the Ducks so awful? Nobody tries to give _all_ of the guys girlfriends... 

People pair me with Scooter. I like Scooter, I really do. But just as a friend. We study together, we talk, we hang out. That doesn't automatically mean we're going out. Yeah, sure, he did kiss me after the JV-Varsity game... 

I said we _aren't_ dating, I didn't say we never were. It just didn't work out. 

People pair me with Banks. Uh... no. _He's_ the one that had the crush on _me_, and that didn't last very long at all. We're friends, and not even especially good friends. He's just not my type. 

People pair me with Portman. Don't get me wrong, Portman's a great guy and I love to spend time with him. But he's not really looking for a girlfriend right now, and besides, he's got almost every girl in the school drooling over him after that stripping stunt. I'm not the type to compete. And he's a little too... forward for my tastes, anyway. 

People pair me with Guy. One does not start going out with one's best friend's ex-boyfriend! Not this soon! Enough said. 

I'm still waiting for someone to write me into a relationship with Connie. (Oh, I hope that didn't encourage anyone.) I'm going to say it now, so I won't have to say it later, I've dated enough to be sure I'm definitely straight. 

Bottom line is, I'm just not interested in a boyfriend right now. But no, everywhere I look, it's me paired with somebody! Always! 

I don't know which annoys me worse, the excess of female hockey players showing up and ending up in love with a Duck, or the fact that if _they_ don't show up _I'll_ get paired with someone. 

Long live singles. 

Sincerely, Julie the Cat 


	5. Vanishing Act

**Dear Duck Community:**   
**Vanishing Act**

_A/N- Wow, I've got quite a few of these to do now. Well if I hadn't left my notebook at school (-_-') I could post Fulton and Portman's, but, since I did... that'll have to wait. Anyway, I'm taking them a bit out of order here, this one's for Saturniia, oh and by the way... Jesse's got good parts in a few other stories, Second Time Around (shameless plug, I know) and The Test of Friendship are the ones coming to mind at the moment..._

***** 

Dear Duck Community: 

This is _not cool._

I understand it's really Disney's fault for leaving me outta D3, but you would _think_ after I was one of the star players on the team for two movies you all could give me a little credit! Just because I didn't want to go to that school with all the super-preps doesn't mean I dropped off the face of the earth! 

Man, it's almost enough to make me accept the scholarship and go force Disney to write a D4. 

You'd all love that, I bet. Maybe I'll give it a try. 

So I'm going to a public school that's not full of cake-eaters. So what? I can still hang out with the Ducks, can't I? Not one of them, even Cake-eater, is too high and mighty and... rule-abiding... to break curfew, sneak off campus, and come hang out for awhile. I was in that street puck game when Coach and Conway decided to join in! 

Course Disney didn't show that but... big companies. Their job's to do stupid things. 

And I think the cake-eater comment draws some confusion, too. There's good cake-eaters and there's bad cake-eaters, okay? _Cakus eaterus coolus_ and _cakus eaterus preppius_. (Banks and I spent longer than we're willin' to admit figuring that out while he was bored in the hospital after the Hawks game.) 

One thing that people do get right, though, I don't like people who just waltz in and try to be Ducks! But I don't mind people that just waltz in and try to be friends with Ducks. Now I don't have to _like_ that Banks and Larson still hang out sometimes, but I trust Cake-eater's judgement and I'm not gonna give him trouble about it. 

You all think I'm so _domineering_. 

That's about all I can complain about, as far as my treatment goes, since I'm not mentioned enough to be treated too badly. And there's only so much complaining I can do about _vanishing entirely_... so I guess I'm done. 

Sincerely, Jesse Hall 


End file.
